I was particularly interested in the article that discussed lesbian and gay adolescents because I have personal experience with this process. I became more consciously aware of my sexual orientation as a sophomore in high school. This was an extremely hard process, especially considering that I knew that my parents, as conservative Protestants, were whole-heartedly against a gay lifestyle. In fact, my sister (who is eighteen years older than me) had come out a few years before, when I was not yet conscious of my own sexuality. I watched their struggle with her coming out. They had the pastor come over and counsel us as a family...they read books...and unfortunately, they also made some snide remarks about her relationship choices behind her back. Then there's me a few years later. Let me tell you, those memories stick. Especially, the snide remarks.
In Dennis Anderson's article he states, "Whatever the experiences that lead to the growing personal awareness of their homosexuality, most gay and lesbian adolescents can vividly recall a period of intense anxiety when they first realized that they suddenly belonged to a group of people that is often vehemently despised." (p.339) From my own experience, this experience of knowing that you belong to a group that many other people don't like (or at the very least are uncomfortable with) is incredibly challenging to cope with and leads to being silenced. Being silenced is an extremely subtle yet damaging form of discrimination. Here's an example that I have encountered several times in my life. As a feminine lesbian, many people assume based on my appearance that I am straight. This might lead someone, for the sake of being friendly, to ask if I have a boyfriend. While I know that this is merely intended to be friendly, I can tell you that it immediately shuts me down. I will simply answer with "no," and leave it at that. From then on, any occassion where relationships come up with that person, I immediately become uncomfortable. On the other hand, when a person asks me if I have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or if I am in a relationship, I am more inclined to answer in an upfront manner. It seems small perhaps, but it is important to never assume, based on someone's appearance or any other factor that you know what their sexual orientation is.
Here's a different example of another challenge I have encountered. Let's say my girlfriend of seven years and I go to a family function. For the sake of example, I'll say it's her family's function (although it happens all the time.) If there are outside people there, I will get introduced as "Kelly's friend." The family members are well aware that our relationship is not merely a friendship, yet out of their discomfort, that is how I am referred. Awkward! If we were in a heterosexual relationship, this would never happen. I think this is another example of feeling silenced. Calling me "Kelly's friend," is like saying, "I'm uncomfortable with your relationship."
This article also discussed that homosexual adolescents make one of three choices in dealing with newly acknowledged feelings: try to change them, continue to hide them, or accept them. While I never tried to change my feelings, I did hide them for as long as possible. I hid them the longest from my family because I knew they would be the most difficult people to come out to. Hiding your sexual orientation is an extremely stressful experience. You become petrified that someone is going to find out and it feels like it would be completely intolerable for that to happen. For awhile, I had convinced myself that I was never going to come out and I would just pretend to live a heterosexual life. It wasn't until I met my current girlfriend that my views on that began to change. I realized that I needed to do what made me happy and forget what everyone else thinks. Accepting one's sexual orientation is definitely a process that people become more comfortable with over time. In high school, I was just barely conscious of my sexual orientation, and definitely wouldn't be comfortable with it fully for many more years.
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I can’t imagine the stress that you have gone through. I suspect most gays and lesbians shared this same stress in their adolescent years, but given your family experience with your sister, you must have had a greater burden to make your parents happy at the expense of your own health and happiness. The only advice I would give you, or one of my kids, a student, or a friend is this: it really does get easier. I sense from your post that you are already well into this positive transition.
ReplyDeleteSince I am older, my husband and I have already attended many high school reunions and since we graduated together, our reunions are the same. With age comes a blissful state of “who cares”. This applies to jobs, income, kids or no kids, and sexual orientation. Everyone who is gay has now long since come out and all their partners, husbands, or wives attend the reunion. The awkwardness of one’s high school years is almost entirely gone. The homophobes become the minority.
Today, I see a very different experience for my own children as compared to my high school years. Both of my daughters have friends that are children of gay parents. Some of these families are so integral to our town, coordinate academic and sports activities, lead Girl Scout/ Boy Scout troops. Old prejudices seem to be fading.
My sincere hope is that your experiences are similar:)
Two of my best friends goes through exactly what you mentioned at family functions. One is regarded as a "friend" because of the possibility of making one certain family member uncomfortable. And I know it hurts him because they have been together for over three years, and are in a committed and serious relationship. It really is unfair that his feelings do not get considered, and his are the ones that should.
ReplyDeleteI also really appreciate what you said about people automatically asking if you had a boyfriend. It is something I never thought of, and I am glad you pointed it out. It is unfair to judge that based on someone's appearance, that he or she would be straight or gay. I am glad that asking boyfriend OR girlfriend makes a difference and is more comfortable, and it is definitely something I will keep in mind when meeting someone new. The last thing I would want to do is make someone uncomfortable, including future students, so this is really good advice for me.
I also have close friends that go through this. They have been dating for four years now and in certain situations they still feel the need to act like they are just friends, and that is horrible and I am sorry that you have to deal with these kind of situations.
ReplyDeleteWhat you said about snide remarks also struck a chord with me. people wll make these remarks on purpose or sometimes they say it out of context in a jokingly way, like saying"that's gay". My boyfriend's friends are guilty of this and i always get offended when they say it or make jokes about each other being gay or liking men. I tell them that it bothers me and at first their response was "why would it bother you? you're not gay". I explained to them that have friends that are gay and knowing that people are not accepting of them and make jokes about their sexuality is hurtful. after that the comments stopped. So i think people need to be educated about the things they say because they may not even be aware that what they say can hurt other people.
I should add that my parents have since become more relaxed and accepting and I do still have a very close relationship with them. They also have a close relationship with my sister.
ReplyDeleteKaren, I agree that it does get better. I have the advantage (and disadvantage) of being able to "pass as straight," so I have never overtly experienced much in the way of discrimination, other than the stuff I mentioned above.
As a couple of others have already mentioned, I first want to say that I am so glad that you pointed out the differences in ways that people ask about your relationship. That is definitely the type of thing that many may not realize they are doing and I only hope that I haven't been that person! From now on I will definitely be more aware of how I word things so as not to hint at assumptions.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I am so disappointed that you are still introduced as a friend. I have been with my boyfriend for several years now and I can't imagine one of our families ignoring our relationship like that. I know it would really bother me and I think it's so unfair that everyone can't have the same acknowledgement.
Thank you Christina for sharing such a personal story. When I was dating my husband I use to refer to him as my partner and people assumed that I was gay. Words and labels are so powerful in our society because of all the social connotations that go along with them.My best friend is gay and has taught me to be careful about how I use my words. As teachers, we have the power to influence our students about their word choice. I hope that you will one day feel comfortable with sharing your story and words so they can learn from you.
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